So as I sit here with the littlest member of my family down for a nap and the other two out and about I think about the year that has passed and I can't help but feel a sense of awe. What a year this has been... In the past year I have felt more emotion than I thought ever possible. I have seen strength inside myself that I didn't know I had, and I have felt more broken than I knew any human could feel. I have been felt elated, and I have felt deflated. I have felt sure of my calling, and I have questioned if I'm even capable of getting out of bed. I have felt like a great mom, and I have felt like I was failing my babies beyond words. In looking at the emotional roller coaster of the year, I cannot help but see God's gentle grace woven through each and every moment. The moments of joy, and the moments where it was only by His hand that I kept going.
This year (like most) began with much anticipation. Goals and dreams for the year, the excitement and wonder of how the year would play out. Our AdvoCare team was on a roll, people were getting fantastic results and excited to start a new year feel better than they ever imagined. We were expecting our second baby, pumped about the new member of our family. The excitement was almost too much to handle. I LOVE the feeling of joy and excitement bubbling from so deep inside you can't control it.
February brought some challenges. Nate came down with pneumonia which he struggled with for over a week and took a month or so to get strength back, and I (at 30 weeks pregnant) got the flu. It was a rough time around our house. Sickness and exhaustion can steal so much of your joy it is unbelievable. We all struggled during that time, but as I look back I can now see that God's hand of protection and grace was upon us keeping us safe and healthy. He protected the baby that was growing inside of me even though I couldn't get off the couch. He protected Ava and kept her from getting sick at all. Grace overflows.
After getting healthy another hurdle cam our way. At 33 weeks I wasn't feeling well one day at work and went to triage to find out my blood pressure was up and I was contracting and 3cm dilated. You guessed it... bed rest for me. When mom goes on bed rest and hands every aspect of life to daddy, that is a challenge in and of itself. I struggled with feeling helpless and Nate struggled under the pressure of providing and taking care of our family alone. Gods mercy and love overflowed at this time. Even in the midst of the exhaustion and stress Nate and I were able to communicate and continue to grow our marriage. Ava seemed unscathed by the experience and at almost 36 weeks we had a healthy baby boy. The protection given to our family is beyond words. I cannot thank God enough that Andrew was born healthy with no issues at all and at 7lbs 1oz he never looked back and continued to thrive.
One of the hardest weeks of the year was the week Andrew was born. 3 days after he was born Ava got her tubes in her tonsils and adenoids out. Being 3 days postpartum and sending my 2 year old in for surgery was really really hard, but the hardest part was I wasn't able to give her my undivided attention during recovery. She did great, but it was really hard to have to figure out how to care for a newborn who took every waking min. and how to love and care for my hurting child. I felt broken, deflated, and spread thin, not to mention the sleep deprivation. During that time I learned a lot about myself and just how strong I can be in the midst of feeling pulled in a thousand directions with very little rest.
The second half of the year brought a whole new set of challenges, as Nate traveled a lot for work and took on an extra project for work I spent my time learning how to adjust to having two babies who needed my constant attention. I came home from work to build our AdovoCare business and often found myself overwhelmed with the idea of surviving. I was confused and overwhelmed, frustrated, and I felt stuck. I often caught myself praying in anger "just how am I supposed to do all of this, I'm barely surviving!!!!!" I had a hard time finding where God's hand was in all of that. It seemed like I was fighting alone (honestly finding myself overwhelmingly lonely at times) and didn't know what he was doing. I realized just recently at Nate's Christmas party talking to another wife that God was there, and he was teaching me that I truly can't do it on my own. When I try I feel overwhelmed and broken, but every time I would cry out for help (yes even if it was an angry cry) His quiet hand would pick me up and give me the strength to make it through one more day. Since I have learned that lesson, it is so much easier to be filled with his strength, getting up in the middle of the night (though still frustrating) isn't the end of my world. It brings new meaning to the words "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."
In November I went to Ladies Alive, an AdvoCare conference (also the start of this blog) and it was exactly what I needed. Through that day I felt alive, I felt like I had found a little of myself I had forgot existed. I felt confident and worthy, and I loved it....
then I came home and the plague hit...
Andrew and Ava both got RSV and pneumonia followed up with the stomach flu... through Thanksgiving.... Then I got the stomach flu and Nate got a sinus infection. Here comes exhaustion and fatigue. It seems like it never ends...
Christmas came quick this year, I feel like December came and went in the blink of an eye...
Christmas Eve night I got one of the best gifts I've ever received. The gift of encouragement. Nate put in tons of thought and effort to give me a gift of various ways to encourage me on my journey to become the woman God has created in me. A gift to encourage me during my journey of reaching out and changing lives with AdvoCare. It reached to my heart and renewed that spark I felt back in November when I felt that woman coming alive.
December 26 was a day of awakening. Why wait til the new year to begin chasing our dreams? We started our AdvoCare 10 day cleanse to get rid of the holiday gunk, but also to mentally get rid of 2013 and ready for the fresh clean start the new year brings.
2 days later I felt energetic and fired up for the new year. Down 6lbs and feeling amazing. I forgot how good you can feel when you take great care of your body.... But that doesn't just apply to your body.... I think sometimes we get into patterns and forget how great you can feel when you take good care of your spirit, family, marriage, and any other relationships in your life. We get into a pattern of mediocrity and forget what really being alive feels like.
So as I sit here and look through the past year I see that we faced many challenges. There were some great celebrations and some great hurdles. Many of my goals for this year went unmet, and many people would look upon that with sadness and disappointment. I am choosing to look back on this year and learn, knowing that a new year is like turning to a fresh blank page. I'm choosing to look on 2014 with prayerful eyes and a renewed passion and motivation. The year end review is always good to see what God did, where we stayed connected and where we skewed, what worked toward our goals and what didn't with the idea of redirecting our path, learning from our mistakes and making 2014 a whole new experience.
I have so many hopes and dreams for this year (saved for another post). I pray this year is the year for my family, but more I pray this year is the year for your family. My goals for this year all center around looking outside of myself and into the world and finding the places where I can be used. My goals are to help encourage and grow others in their faith, finances, and health. This year I would like to continue to become the woman that God is calling me to be (and to continue to figure out just who that is). I want to help bring smiles and hope to people's lives. I want to make 2014 the best year yet for me and for you.
If your 2014 could look any way you wanted it to what would it look like? Don't lay down your dreams only to watch others achieve theirs. This year let's all run for our dreams and enjoy the journey on the way!
Happy New Year Everyone
